I sat there, alone in the crowded classroom. There was so much noise around, but it all seemed like a distant buzz to my ears. There was so much movement around me, so many people preparing for presentations. Some rehearsing their speeches, others setting up the projector, the rest chattering amongst themselves. But they all appeared like blurred dots to me. I had taken off my specks and laid my head down on the bench. No one bothered me. ‘The presentation is about to begin.’ A clear voice rang through my ears. I upped my head by barely an inch above the desk to look who spoke. It was the teacher announcing the commencement of the next presentation. I stared at the blurred outline of an old cupboard lying in our classroom. There was movement around. But it dint bother me. I kept staring like an idiot. It took me a while before I could register some vivid movement out there. Near the cupboard I mean. Someone was franctically waving out to me. My pupils contracted as I carefully looked in that direction. It was this classmate of mine whom I must’ve not even exchanged 10 words ever since I stepped into college. I looked up a bit and unsurely pointed out a finger to myself to indicate ‘who me?’. He nodded with a charming smile on his face. He continued to wave until I waved back with a faint trace of smile on my face. Why he did that, I had no clue. But I could guess he spotted silence in the commotion. A while later he came to me and said, ‘hey, will you be there to see my play tomorrow?’ ‘Me?’ I asked again, stupidly. ‘Yes, you.’ He replied calmly. ‘Umm.. ok. Sure.’ I replied, still, stupidly. ‘Tomorrow. Be there to see it. Ok?’ he said and left me aghast. I went back home, admittedly, smiling. Even though I dint know what had happened, I surely recognized the effort to make me feel wanted and to make me feel good. To my pleasant surprise, it wasn’t the end of it all..  

 

I went home and as a habit and a ritual, I signed into MSN messenger. All the nocturnal creatures like me were online. Yes, he was online too. He never spoke to me online either. Never ever since my last two years in college. I just looked at his name out there and smiled. ‘Hi, how are you?’ came a pop-up of a chat window.. And to my pleasant surprise, it was him! ‘Hi! I’m good.’ I replied. ‘But you don’t look so good in college. I have been observing you. You have been very quiet and down lately. What has happened?’ he asked, much to my surprise.. ‘Uhh.. well, a lot is down lately.’ I admitted. ‘If you want, you can tell me. I promise you I wont tell this to anyone. I can be an outlet to your problems. Talk it out.’ He offered instantly. Ok, here was this guy who dint even speak a few sentences with me ever, and yet, and simply yet he had sensed so much that was going around. There are times when you let your heart take over the rationale. By logic I shouldn’t have given a damn to his offer and should have politely refused. But my heart told me he was god sent. He was the outlet I was looking for. An unknown person who’d listen to me, understand me and yet, stay away from me. Without a second of hesitation, I poured out my heart to him. He heard me out patiently. And even gave me some great advice which I remember till date. That night I shed tremendous burden from my mind. It brought back a smile on my face. We never bothered to talk much after that incident.. occasionally when things went low, he did ask. But never much otherwise. But one glance at him and I knew there was someone who cared. Who wanted to be there when I was alone. You mustve come across such people.. They’re special. Extremely special..

The father handed out a torn blanket to the old man and said, 'Sleep outside in the balcony, there's no place at home.' He said this and turned around. His 10 year old son was standing holding another torn blanket in his hands. 'Why this blanket?' the father fumed. 'It's for you' replied the son. 'Me?' 'yes, because when you will grow as old as grandpa, I will give you this blanket when I also throw you out of this house.' he concluded innocently. The father was aghast. The grandpa dint know whether to be shocked or relieved. And tears swarmed my eyes. Within a few seconds, it turned into a stream flowing out of my reddened eyes. My parents, grandparents, all turned to look at me. They stared at me and got confused. What had happened? Just a few seconds ago all of us are watching this serial on television and now this girl is howling! 'Did she hit you beta?' asked mom pointing a finger at my innocent looking little sister who was barely 3-4 yrs old then. My sister saw all the fingers being pointed at her and turned her innocently surprised gaze towards me, questioningly. I was in a half a mind to attribute my crying to a non-existent 'hit' by my sister. But instead I chose to keep quiet and continued crying. My eyes repeatedly darted to the television. My granma noticed this and added up the situation. 'She's realized what that story we just saw, meant. She's crying for that old man' she said and smiled. My mom looked at me and smiled. But they dint pester me much about it and I stopped crying. But that was my first encounter with old age abuse. And it was so freaking touching that it reduced me to tears at that tender age of 7. I found this story as an answer to why does this topic pester my mind all the time.  

 

I was just reading a few writeups on the mental state of the people in old-age homes. Parents living in bunglows, parents living for their children entire lives, been thrown out of their homes.. Parents been thrown out just coz they cant cope up with their old age? an elderly was thrown out just because she asked for a box of sweets!!! And Imagine their trauma.. of not having met their children for years together.. left alone to deal with their withering body, and barren funds! When I see all of this around me, I feel I am so blessed to have such great values instilled into me.. for us our elderly are the ultimate authority. We seek their blessings before every work we do and we seek their advice for every move we make.. I just wish people start realizing the value of parents, of the elderly. They are like this huge baniyan tree that gives shade, that roots us firmly to the ground.. the moment it witheres, the moment it dies, the heat, the harsh winds and rains are bound to erode your lives

Today was a grim day. In addition to the recent tragedy faced by Mumbai, today was the first death anniversary of granpa. Well, really, not BBC news material, but on a personal front, it meant quite a lot. Till date we always gathered at Grandma's death anniversary to sing some prayers and bhajans in her rememberance and also so that grandpa would feel good that we havent forgotten her as he thought we would have. Every time during these sessions, granpa would make 'farmayish' of his favourite bhajans and songs and we would oblidge. He felt thrilled and had created a special set of xeroxed songs to be distributed amongst all of us. It was so ironical and sad that it was from those very sets that today we were singing those bhajans for the death anniversary of my granpa himself. He was terribly missed. Missed like hell.

 

I thought may be, no amount of words would do justice to a noble soul like his. And so i decided to make a small 2 minute movie for his dedication. the background score was as cheesy as it could get. It was the song 'yaadein' from the movie 'yaadien'. I quickly selected a few snaps and a couple of video clips of granpa for the 2 minute essemble. In a giffy, at night 2 i created this small and simple video. Little did i know so big would be its impact. In the evening, once all the bhajans and songs were over, I gathered all the family members in one side of the room and played the video on my television. The reaction. The entire lot of 20 people were in tears. Some of them, uncontrollable, the rest, mildly crying. I was aghast. They're voices choked as they congratulated me for this extraordinary piece of work (or so they say). They wanted to see it once more. I played it once more. And the tears flowed once more. I was really surprised to see this kind of reaction, but well, it was my aim, and hence i was happy. I was happy that they all cried in the memory of granpa. Nothing can be fitting than this, although im sure if he'd be watching from the heavens he'd say 'arreey! shit! they're actually crying for me! oh no! drashti! what did you do? why are they crying for me? im with them, always.' and then perhaps i felt him smile and whisper' thanks drashtiben'.

She worshipped her friends. She always made her adjustments for them. Anyone who showed her sightest courtesy was enrolled in her hall of fame and received unbounded care and love. People liked her very easily. No she wasnt attractive. But she radiated a warmth that no one could ignore. But yes, while her friends were a breath of life for her, she wasnt the same for them. She was an angelic child. She was the 'cute' friend. Or so she thought.

 

Her hall of fame had its own share of critics. How often people questioned her on her extra show of care and affection. How often people told her it sounded all fake and stupid. How often people questioned if this goodness was genuine! How often they shattered her faith in friendship, including her own best friend who refused to give her friendship a chance.. but she embraced those incidences, took the negative in her stride and tried to learn from the criticisms. But never, even once, her respect and care for her friends, waivered in the process. For her, friendship was unbreakable, unshakable.

 

Inspite of all this, now, gradually, she finds herself alone. Inspite of this fight against the critics and circumstances, she finds her hope in the word 'friendship' diminishing like a dying star. She has friends, but no friends. She has friends, who will hang out whenever she calls, but she doesnt have friends who will call up simply to ask 'how are you?' she has friends who will share their joys and sorrows with her (and she loves it genuinely when they do that), but she doesnt known anyone who will take her stories as anyhting less than a burden. And she also has friends who have made her what she is, who have helped her out in her depression, but now, have gone their own way without giving her a chance to repay. She has reached a stage, where she is the needy. She begs for people to keep in touch, she has to beg to arrange meet-ups. And sometimes, most embarrasingly, she has to write threatening e-mails or smses and shout out their mistakes.. at the expense of hurting them, stupidifying herself and well,, acting silly.

 

She is tired now. And thinks she will quit doing all of this. Coz if everyone's being so distant, all of them can't be faulty. Either its a way of life, or it's just her. Either ways there's no solution. SHe lives, coming to terms with reality.

(as much as you're tempted to guess who the 'she' is, i request you not to jump to any conclusions. It's just a story.. just a blog! Let her be! :) )

 

Tea tastes bitter after eating a sweet biscuit. Night seems darker after a bright sunny day.. the pain seems doubled when you have just experienced happiness.. I believe in god but feel like renouncing the faith in fairy godmothers or guides or best friends and so on.. Precisely for the reasons above. They're just there for you for that crucial part of your life, they then become a crucial part of your life and  then they throw a stone at the mirror in front of you. It cracks and breaks up. You realize, it was just your imagination. They have favoured you and moved on. YOu are supposed to take the favour and move on too! WHAT THE HELL!

 

I dont think ever in my life have i got a fair chance of doing something for the people who have meant the most to me. They have always been my support, my iron pillars, my reason to smile, and then, all of them literally have moved away to greater avenues, forgetting that they have an indebt soul struggling with the burden of their support.

 

Now you'd argue, cmon! they're your friends, and anyone wouldve done that. Then I say, hell, if they were really my friends, why do they do good to my life and go away??? I've misunderstood the concept of friendship so far and therefore my faith in it is a bit false.. i feel. I thought friendship is one permanant bond that has survived the test of change. Solid friendship has been as much about longer time and tide than just mere strength of understanding each other. I thought friendship is where people are missed in good times and remembered in bad times.. but SHIT! i was wrong o wat!

 

My belief in friendships has shaken from its roots. And every passing day it keeps getting worse. People around me are finding time to attend parties, go on picnics, catch up with buddies.. everything but just somehow dont find time to remember a few other insignificant insects. Even today whenever someone tells me 'Drashti, kya tu busy ho gayi hai, you've forgotten me.. blah blah'' i take it as a sign of respect from that person to me and make it a point to revert in the most appropriate manner possible. But i dont think that works with everyone.. many of them still think them being busy with work, home, blah blah is the most valid excuse on earth. And some, better still, let go of the freakin friendship to relieve themselves of the responsibility.

 

'It's reality! Accept it' many tell me. I feel hurt.. if this is reality, go to hell! Being laughed at for trying to keep in touch, being laughed at for meeting up someone whoze been your classmate for 3 yrs (but HE/SHE was never a close friend of yours na? so y are you meeting up?).. yeahhhh!! go on.. laugh.. And then do i have a choice.. i let go. I will be indebt for life.

When things have to go wrong, they will. When you dread of something happening, it will happen. And so it happened with me. One of my close friends and colleagues in the office, about whom i had written my previous blog all of a sudden quit the organization yesterday.. Just wen i was beginning to think, how would this organization survive without him... came this shocking step that paralysed everyone in my office.

 

First of all, let me tell you, ad agencies and for that matter of fact, most media organisations often run on camaradie and great equations with people rather than heirarchies. They are organizations truly run more by people than machines. Which is what makes them so valuable and important. The presence of this friend of mine in the office meant security to most of us. Coz he was the only person who never feared to call a spade a spade. He stood up for the right and discouraged the wrong.. all of this maturity at a young age of 28.. it was awesome to watch him around. The news of his departure stunned us. So much so that those working under him broke down and he himself broke down with them... but that's not all.. he told us all he'll be arnd for 10 days before he leaves. So most of us bought ourselves in terms with this bitter truth and composed ourselves only to be told late in the evening by him that this was his last day and he lied in the morning coz he dint want ppl to sulk!

 

I have been in my organization for just past 2 months.. and yet there was so much attachement with him tht wen he actually left, I felt tears streaming down my eyes. I looked around, and most of us found ourselves crying! it was like we were orphaned... but i guess that's life. sometimes i ask god why does he send such wonderful people in our lives for such a short while!! its so damn unfair!! god bless u friend!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s a lot, unsaid within me,

Every time I try to tell you,

You escape it so easily.

 

When I don’t expect, you make me do,

And make me feel so special,

I feel like a dream, so wonderful,

So happy and so real!

 

One moment, you understand me,

The next moment, you shut,

The doors that make me wanna come to you,

From the other side are locked.

 

You will never know how special you are,

I amnt a fool to tell,

This gap between us will remain filled,

With all those things unsaid…

'What will you do when I wont be there around?', he used to ask me, his wrinkled face enlightened with everlasting smile and his eyes overflowing with fondness. I just smiled at him, and ignored the comment all the time. I still remember those days when i used to get horrible mirgrane attacks, and he would quitely come into my room, shut the curtains, shut the door and leave a glass of fresh juice on the table for me to drink. Those days when our bai wouldnt turn up, in the afternoons i would find him washing vessles as quietly as he could, so that in the evening when mom returns from office tired and weary, she doesnt have to burden herself with all the work. And yes, how can i forget all those times when he went to buy vegetables, went to bank to do dad's work, gave him a glass of water whenever he felt tired.

 

Well, anyone who'd read this would think something else.. i dread what. but the person i am talking about, was my 89 year old grandfather..  a few days back he passed away. He has four sons. yet he stayed with us for around 25 years post dad's marriage. At times i used to think, why only us! i missed private space at home. And that apart, he was the oldest in the family and that invited hoardes of guests at home every single day. At times i used to envy the 'family of 4' life. today, i think that's one thing i regret and feel most ashamed thinking of. Today his loss hurts me like hot iron. Every corner of this house reminds me of him every single moment. And more importantly the fact that ive lost the shelter of an elderly hand above my head. it's scary. He was the most independent senior citizen at the age of 90. WE never gave him a glass of water. but ample of times, he served us food. We never listened to him, but he always heard us without us telling him a word. We ignored him at our convinience, but he remembered us even in all his inconvinient times (including his last 2 days at the hospital)...  it's paining to relive memories of that selfless face, that existed in our home for last 25 years, that face that lived for us, with us, thru us... that face we realized, was god-sent. was god.

 

grandpa never wanted to go in for a minor operation he was advised for. 'at the age of 90? what operation?' he chipped in as his sons debated where to admit him. he was hale n hearty. just a pacemaker in his heart was a bit disfunctioning. baki no diabetes, no bp, no walking stick, infact, dont be shocked if i tell u he climbed 5 floors of our house just recently when the elevator wasnt working. reluctantly he agreed to go in for the operation. we assured him its just a 5 min thing. what did we know he'd never come back. i think he knew it tho. before leaving the house he specifically asked me not to yell at my lil sis and ask dad also to not yell at her.. i laughed it off that time. me and dad said we'd restrain till dada gets back. but dada's so partial to my sis. he never came back. i remember going to meet him at the hospital, his sunken face beneath the oxygen mask scared me to bits. shit! he was at home just a day back laughing and walking!  SHIT! i couldnt look into those loving eyes anymore.. he kept telling me 'thank you for coming here. i am fine. dont worry.' shit! i managed a smile and left immediately. i was shaken. he kept asking for me, but i never went thereafter. the next day he passed away.. so sudden.. i still cant believe he's no more.. any moment he'll come into my room and give me eclairs.. any moment he'll come from outside holding bag full of sabzis.. any moment now..

and we thought we were doing a great thing by letting him live with us.. now we realize, it wasnt us, it was HE, who took care of all of us.. miss you a lot granpa.. you are my god.

Why isnt 'giving up' so easy? oh.. you might think ive made a typo error. infact its the easiest thing on this planet. giving up jobs for comfort, giving up family for friends, giving up studies for a cool life, giving up values for fashion, and yeah, the ultimate acme, giving up your life to ensure another 100 die with u (suicide bombers). And yet there might be times when giving up will not seem so casual and heartless. this happens when time comes to give up the only thing for which you've given up your world. this happens when your're asked to give up, the thing you have lived for, want to live with, for all your life.  the thing may be anything. love, hate, forgiveness, anger, goals, achievements, dreams.. 

 

i believe each one of us in this world has a dream. A dream world, a dream goal. Dreams are mostly made up of impossibles. but then wat is impossible today is sure to be possible tomorrow. the point is, will you be the one who will make it possible? or will you give up, move aside, and make way for others and then brood over your luck? look at nothing as impossible, and time will seem infinite for you. i am not saying you will overpower time. TIME will become numb, the same way your body becomes numb after being injected with anesthesia. you will live, and move with time. but not let time bother you about it running faster. you can just see your goal and nothing else will matter now. you are just reaching there, happy and content, but ofcourse, no journey is complete without obstacles just as no movie is complete wihtout a villian. and here lies your ability to stay calm, fight time with patience. it may take a month, two months, two years for this fight to abate.. for time to realize that your willpower is far more than its clock ticking.. your heartbeats are faster than the seconds. you will have to fight with patience. it is a tough fight. coz patience often comes across externally as cowardlyness, laziness, indifference. but you alone know your mind is fighting, its restless and given  a chance, it can scream thru the thin air, wither in pain and cry for pity just like everyone else around you does. but it chooses not to create a scene. it wants to test the brutality of god. how much worse can it get from here? you ask yourself. you brace yourself for rejection, taunts, this world full of nosy people who have no better work than comment on your life. you are ready for it. let it get as bad as it can. someday god will release the ropes of frustration and let me move ahead in peace. and that day i will be a far better person, well equipped mentally, to move ahead this path full of uncertainities that ppl fear, but i will cherish them. coz every trouble gives me hope.. every sign of pain gives me the sweet smell of arrival of relief. i can live thru it..

For years, I've been proud of the fact that my parents are working.. and working their lives off to ensure we live in comfort! It has been such a pride since childhood to sit at the window in the evening and wait to catch glimpse of mummy walking on the crowded road.. coming back tired from office.. and running downstairs.. 4 floors barefoot to greet her at the society gates. it has been worth catching that glow on her tired face when she saw me and (later on) my sister enthusiatic to meet her as early as possible. Or for that matter, even dad's expression, when the watchman once went and told him that 'your kids have been hanging around here (in the society grounds) for hours together coz they say you have promised to take them to juhu beach'. dad's face fell at that time coz he had come after a hard tiring day from thane and he was in a great dilema. ofcourse we dint care about all that. we were happy enough with the compensation of going for a drive to sahar airport to catch the glimpse of air-o-planes! hehe.

 

Comfort and luxury has never come easy in our lives despite of both the parents earning. and this was becasue of their poverty stricken background. my dad has never seen proper chappals during his school days and my mom's dad never let them avail of luxuries coz he was a doctor and saw the poverty around him which lead him to adopt gandhian ways of living. We took joy in smallest of the things.. Home made food, Maa ke haath ka garam khana kept ready when kids come home from school wasnt something we were familiar with. Even in case of studies, we were made independent since 5th standard.. after that parents dint touch studies with us unless ofcourse we flunk in any subject then! :P I remember going to openhouses all by myself wandering around the school corridors as i saw parents yelling shouting fighting praising their children for their academic performances! hehe. mom doesnt bother! thank god! i thought. she bothered. but she never understood. so dint really matter!

 

We have been independent in all the work we do. At the age of 13, i was allowed to ride the kinetic all around my area so that i could help in outside work, was taught banking coz mom and dad never had the time. We've been asked to do a lot of things.. rather i have been asked to do a lot of things but not restricted from doing anything i wanted to do. That.. is the level of trust which is why i could take up a course like BMM. Comfort and luxury came as incentives for good performances. and I am glad it is still that way. Dad will never throw away things we dont need for nothing. And mom? she gives nothing for anything! Roles reversed! hehe.

 

But yesterday for the first time, i felt irritating at haveing parents who were working. MY boards start from Monday, and i so wished my mom could be at home to cook good food, be there when i study, shoo of all those who disturb (including that pesty sis) and just be! But no.. she thrrew a fit arnd the whole house saying she dint get more than 3 phases of leaves per yr.. one phase expired for a 15 day leave during my sis's 12th exams, and other two she wanted to preserve for sum dum marriage of my cousin's! SHe wanted that leave for personal recreation! marriage over my exams!! it really got on my nerves! I felt helpless! she was right. she needed a break. but what about me????

Dad toh forget it. leave ko 'leave it'! its so bad yaar. they say they 'trust' me to handle it! what rubbish! anyway.. that's that.. cons of working parents. each has their own problems.. so worlds become isolated i guess. And who am i to argue with that?

 

Imagine, even in this busy hour, i felt like writing about a stupid subject like this.. means how screwed would my brains be! everything seems to be going wrong in the last few days! things that we've been working on since a month, have come to a standstill now. enthusiasm is draining at a pace that's alarming... and it raises a few important questions within me!

 

How important is your belief in front of logic! we came across a good concept for Contemporary issues proejct. worked on it for almost a month detailing out everything we could. we viewed obstacles, and decided how to face them.. be it other projects, money, time and so on.. and now when time's come for implementation.. we find ourselves at a dead end.. or so called 'dead end'. Why do we hit dead ends so fast? or is it the stubborness within me that did not want to let go of the concept..? well, im sure there is a difference between being stubborn about a concept and standing by the concept. then why do we give up so easily? just coz its logically speaking, not possible. or technically speaking not possible.

but hadnt we believed in the concept earlier? werent we 'willing' to do it no matter what? didnt we visualize it unanimously and dint it bring a wide smile upon our faces? and all of a sudden things come to a standstill, coz 'logically' its not possible. I agree the concept of logic suits CAT, matters of finance, and daily decisions. but i am a strong believer in willpower and hardwork. And I believe that no amount of logical explanation can overshadow one's willpower and faith in a concept. There just has to be the energy of 'we will do it', there has to be faith, dream and power to do it.

Sometmes i feel, this is the reason which keeps indian youth away  from politics. They will think logically and logic of politics being bad, stupid, tough and boring easily overplays their belief of changing the system within the nation. when i say youth, I am one of those cowards who does think that way. sadly enough, we cant dream! coz those who dare to dream, dare to make it true. we just let our dreams flounder till it looks clear and certain of the outcome.. but rarely does anyone dream beyond teh horizon, where there's ambiguity involved, risk involved and where its required that you stand by what you do. BUt then u might question me, that isnt it important to weigh both sides of the story? woudnt it be foolish if u just went ahead to do what u want? ofcourse it is stupid. and it is important to weigh both sides of the story. but look at it this way.. the more flaws u find, the more ur happy coz u get to prepare for them in advance.. you are prepared to fight the loopholes.. and the more positively u look at the flaws, the more doable is your dream!

but for us again, flaws are flaws.. they're a limit, not crossable by a common man already fighting the test of times.. we need to dream more often.. and more often than that.. we need to believe in our dreams. stand by them and make them come true. its not easy may be. its not certain may be.. but its certainly a daring.. and who dares, wins.

time for some ponderence. well, as of today, i've started leaving past to the past. but then, its the past that defines your present and the present defines your future. Past is a great teacher. but a bad companion. ok. leaving philosophy behind, tomorrow i start my last and final semester at BMM @ KC college. we all know how mahan our college is. Faculty that doesnt want to teach, nor correct papers, co-ordinators who do anything but co-ordinate the course, projects and deadlines that look impossible and ridiculous at the first sight... well.. it all goes on and on and on :D

but the truth is.. we're all gonna miss each other after this sem gets over. and another truth is that everything's gonna change. dont be surprised if you wonder how to start a conversation with a person who was a close friend, the next time you meet him/her! haha. change, rightly said, is inevitable, and at times irreversible. and it is this change that makes me want to cling to memories of the past. coz i know that it's not gonna be the same way tomorrow. atleast not all things in life!! having said that, i've enjoyed every moment of this course. and I credit that to my classmates. oh its not a farewell speech. this end term is probably the beginning of new things in life! but still.. its like making 80 friends. I wont pretend im in a fairy land. things go wrong here too. but well, a place where nothing goes wrong, i'd say is dead! so we're alive atleast!! how will you say 'sorry' and get those warm look of ur friends,if u dont make a mistake, how will you say 'thank u' and be delighted,if you dont get, and how will u say a 'welcome'  and be glad to see a smile on sum1's face if you dont give???

OH man. life's been a roller coster!! right from Bhagya ma'am's ariels and marutis to Mangola sir's orange hair and orange mangola in his hands, and pyschology that made us feel like mad ppl, and effective communication skills which we all ineffectively sumhow managed to pass thru awesome plays, and robotic gestures and dull boring lectures of Deepti ma'am and Vara ma'am's OSHO pose.. well.. correction.. OSHO who eats sandwiches in front of his bhakts :P, Rudra who tries very hard each time to convince us that he travels in the best airplans, stays in the best hotels and has the best of the foodings.. hehe. sir.. we can make enuff of guessomatics eh? and hyper anuja ma'am, who's hair pulling habit was so addictive that i mustve lost half my hair only looking at her.. and shankar sir, who looks as if he'll get blown away to elephanta caves if a girl gives him a flying kiss :P hahahaha.. oh an aditi ma'am with the fifth colour leepstick of hers!! hmmm.. life's gonna be real bad next 6 months!! but then.. the place you will leave, is the place where you will leave behind a part of you.

 

so cheers folks and all the best for the final sem!! hope its memorable n fun n great for everyone out there in BMM.

Drashti.. my name. means vision. and Ironically since last few days, its my vision thats giving me all possible problems in the world. Any moment, unpredictably, eyes start blurring. and so do the pages of the book in front of me.... it was okay to ignore once or twice.. but when this happens every day.. scares me.

 

Ive never known what healthy living is. Sleeping when the world is awake and being awake when the world sleeps peacefully, is my way of a typical day. And I am proud of it.. (Atleast till now). My eating habits have gone for a toss.. coz i never wanted Mom to get up early and cook. anyways she's tired as she comes home from office, and cooks meals for us in the evening. Dad's pampered us with all that we want.. food.. computer.. Tv... and even a handycam... everything.. but somewhere sumthing's cutting into life. spending those ruthless hours in front of the comp doesnt seem fun anymore. I cant sit in front of the comp for more than 15 mins... eating that yummy food.. i have lost my appetite. and talk about staying awake at night... I cant give up that habit still... I dont know if i'll be able to... but it all comes at a price.

 

this is nuthing to worry about. yet loads to think upon. for every 1 hr i study, i had to rest for another one hour.. spilling water over all my hopes, plans and aspirations for my exams. I have reached till here.. and I know hard work is needed to go further. I am wondering what is destined for me.. as exams near..  this is just the time i need to pull thru.. just the time i need.. to work hard... and just the time when everything seems blurred.. .

 

 

a very famous saying. " dont expect anything from anyone". how amazing! but is it really possible? especially when it comes to friends? this is a question for which i fight with myself almost everyday.. or well i used to fight with myself everyday to get it answered. i mean, i believe, above all good and bad deeds, there is somewhere within, a selfish self, that seeks to be accepted, pampered and recognized. and at times unconciously we end up doing stuff for our friends coz we too set benchmarks and expectations from them. but well.. then does that mean that what the person does is not ethical? that it is purely selfish? :D cmon! grow up! i believe when we do something for our friends, we do it firstly and whole heartedly coz we love them and care for them. ya.. the expectaitons part comes in.. but later on.. after everything is over. i mean it never hurts to see a priceless smile on anyone's face. and i dont think we put in our selfish motives as a price to that priceless smile on our friend's face. do we?

but well.. ive learnt enough from personal experiences to know better than to expect. and ive mentioned it too many times in the blog too. i think finally the saying is true. dont expect  yaar. coz at the end of the day, you hurt yourself. its amazing what low expectations can do u know. it makes u free of thoughts and relationships! enjoy life. be free. dont find a cause of happiness. be the cause of happiness. (hah! at the end of the day, id say "LOOK WHO"S TALKING" )

tried feeling nothing ever? that's what i keep feeling these days. nothing. like this emptyness envelopes your mind.. ur body. u dont want to respond to what ppl say.. so what if they are praising you, so what if they are maknig fun of you.. you just dont want to respond. like i dont want to care about anyone now. im tired of thinking how my future is gonna be. tired of thinkin how will i take those priceless bonds of friendship along with me thruout my life.. tired of thinkin what i want to do for my parents..  for once.. despite of myself.. i feel like i dont want to care. because no one cares.

well if i would like to conclude this crap, here's what I got to say.

you can only have attachements with emails. not with people.

kya karna hai engineer/doctor banke? kya karna hai 9 to 9 job karke? kya karna hai 1st rank laake? how does it matter? all this is so stereotypical. so downmarket. so killing! today laziness is in. anything and everything done by cheating/copying and other innovative ways to do the same is brilliant.

 

i usually never bother what ppl say. coz as long as i am happy and convinced from within, it never matters. each one has their own choice to make, own right to believe in things. I amnt here to justify my stand. I just want to ask all those ppl to, if not agree with, atleast RESPECT other's dreams, other's work. we all believe what we do is the most different thing on earth. what others do is sucky, funny and useless. imagine after my results people reacting to my rank as though i had just committed an awful crime of studying :) i dont care what i stand to gain by those marks. coz for me it was never about marks. its always about quality thru hardwork. my rank simply restores my faith in hard work :) thats it. it gives me no false hope that i am a brilliant student. no false hope that it will get me job in O&M. it just gives me hope that I can face almost any such challenges now. that i can fight back if i want to :) i have learnt to respect people's dreams. and i hav realized that i dont want to know anyone's marks. marks can hardly judge people. they are the worst parameter! anyways.. so guys, please keep in mind. everyone wants their work to be respected. no work is good/bad, funky/sucky.

 

drashti