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October 15 ek Umeed humse bhi!
The event was a complete branding exercise and gave me a chance to test my photoshop, corel as well as editing skills to the maximum.Be it branded t-shirts, bag lables, banners, posters and even teaser ads, our organizing attained new levels with this branding activity. From a small timepass family unit, we suddenly felt like a team that could even become an organization someday. Umeed was the name of our mission this holiday. We werent content going to some 5 star resort and enjoying the luxuries of food and games and bunglows. We wanted to challenge ourselves. And there came up the idea of Gennext Panchayat where we discussed how we as a generation could be of value to our own nation, our own society that has given so much love and comfort to us. Atleast by brainstorming and ideating on the same, we have put our thoughts in place and set the ball rolling. How far it will go and who will roll it from thereon is a question that needs to be addressed. But the very fact that all of us agreed that we needed to give back to the society, to this nation made my feel immensly proud. We do have our feet well grounded then. Kousins Konnection was a vibrant event with competitive games like Voice of Kousins Konnection- A karaoke singing contest, Jaane TU Ya Jaane NA, a relationship testing game and Gennext Panchayat- a thought provoking discussion. And over and above all this we also had a sponteneous feedback session whereby each one gave the other a feedback (both positive and negative) about themselves. The smiles you see in this above photograph have come to be there due to genuine love amongst us cousins. I know of families where they dont even know who their cousins are. And here we treat them like our real brothers and sisters and our bonding transcends the bonds of blood and friendships. After this event, we have reached a level where we can be frank, honest and vocal about our thoughts with each other without having to think of the fact that someone will fell bad/hurt. As a generation we have a long way to go in terms of our duties and responsibilities. But with Umeed, we hope to make a start :) And to end with, I would advise all those who have a good circle of family, friends or cousins to come together and spend time with each other to do something productive together. Challenge yourselves and discover how none of us are stronger than all of us!
August 07 All's left. What's right?Tea tastes bitter after eating a sweet biscuit. Night seems darker after a bright sunny day.. the pain seems doubled when you have just experienced happiness.. I believe in god but feel like renouncing the faith in fairy godmothers or guides or best friends and so on.. Precisely for the reasons above. They're just there for you for that crucial part of your life, they then become a crucial part of your life and then they throw a stone at the mirror in front of you. It cracks and breaks up. You realize, it was just your imagination. They have favoured you and moved on. YOu are supposed to take the favour and move on too! WHAT THE HELL!
I dont think ever in my life have i got a fair chance of doing something for the people who have meant the most to me. They have always been my support, my iron pillars, my reason to smile, and then, all of them literally have moved away to greater avenues, forgetting that they have an indebt soul struggling with the burden of their support.
Now you'd argue, cmon! they're your friends, and anyone wouldve done that. Then I say, hell, if they were really my friends, why do they do good to my life and go away??? I've misunderstood the concept of friendship so far and therefore my faith in it is a bit false.. i feel. I thought friendship is one permanant bond that has survived the test of change. Solid friendship has been as much about longer time and tide than just mere strength of understanding each other. I thought friendship is where people are missed in good times and remembered in bad times.. but SHIT! i was wrong o wat!
My belief in friendships has shaken from its roots. And every passing day it keeps getting worse. People around me are finding time to attend parties, go on picnics, catch up with buddies.. everything but just somehow dont find time to remember a few other insignificant insects. Even today whenever someone tells me 'Drashti, kya tu busy ho gayi hai, you've forgotten me.. blah blah'' i take it as a sign of respect from that person to me and make it a point to revert in the most appropriate manner possible. But i dont think that works with everyone.. many of them still think them being busy with work, home, blah blah is the most valid excuse on earth. And some, better still, let go of the freakin friendship to relieve themselves of the responsibility.
'It's reality! Accept it' many tell me. I feel hurt.. if this is reality, go to hell! Being laughed at for trying to keep in touch, being laughed at for meeting up someone whoze been your classmate for 3 yrs (but HE/SHE was never a close friend of yours na? so y are you meeting up?).. yeahhhh!! go on.. laugh.. And then do i have a choice.. i let go. I will be indebt for life. July 01 lost hope, found challenges..When things have to go wrong, they will. When you dread of something happening, it will happen. And so it happened with me. One of my close friends and colleagues in the office, about whom i had written my previous blog all of a sudden quit the organization yesterday.. Just wen i was beginning to think, how would this organization survive without him... came this shocking step that paralysed everyone in my office.
First of all, let me tell you, ad agencies and for that matter of fact, most media organisations often run on camaradie and great equations with people rather than heirarchies. They are organizations truly run more by people than machines. Which is what makes them so valuable and important. The presence of this friend of mine in the office meant security to most of us. Coz he was the only person who never feared to call a spade a spade. He stood up for the right and discouraged the wrong.. all of this maturity at a young age of 28.. it was awesome to watch him around. The news of his departure stunned us. So much so that those working under him broke down and he himself broke down with them... but that's not all.. he told us all he'll be arnd for 10 days before he leaves. So most of us bought ourselves in terms with this bitter truth and composed ourselves only to be told late in the evening by him that this was his last day and he lied in the morning coz he dint want ppl to sulk!
I have been in my organization for just past 2 months.. and yet there was so much attachement with him tht wen he actually left, I felt tears streaming down my eyes. I looked around, and most of us found ourselves crying! it was like we were orphaned... but i guess that's life. sometimes i ask god why does he send such wonderful people in our lives for such a short while!! its so damn unfair!! god bless u friend!
June 19 just connect..Ok children. Today we are going to start a new chapter, on page number 21, called 'Wavelength'. Now what the hell is Wavelength? Wavelength is.. gamma.. u dint get it? Wavelength is gamma pa dha re sa.. oh well forget it, im in a weird mood today, so dont mind this irritating start to the blog :)
Well, yet another SIMMBBLE question bothering my mind! What is it about the vibes we get from people, what is it about that perfect frequency.. that perfect wavelength that we share with some rare people and get along with them so well.. its astonishing. And I am not talking of just close friends, but even some individuals whom we meet in our day to day lives. It just takes one look to get that perfect wavelength, that feeling of comfort.. Ok, before you think i am talking about love at first sight.. its not even that. I am talking about friendships.. about clicking with people by just looking at the warmth etched on their faces.. have you experienced that bfore? That you just look at the person and can bet your money on the fact that he/she is a charming personality. What bought me on to this topic is my meeting this colleague of mine in office. From the first day itself, when ppl rumbled, grumbled and mumbled about my presence in the office (aur ek nayi ladki), he was t he one who came to me and spoke to me, whatever he could manage. I, in my initial days in a new place, look like a cent percent stubborn freak. So i was surprised at his himmat acutally of coming and asking me stuff.. just to make me feel comfortable. Instantly i felt good about him being around. But i dint open my mouth that much, initially.. as I said, I take my time to gauge the place and people around me. Today, we get along well.. i wouldnt make tall claims like house on fire and all that. But we're pretty much on the same wavelength. We never talk much.. but yet we know whats up.. Just a week after joining office, some incident happened back home that terribly upset me. I think being a completely idiotic exppressionist, my whole office knew something's wrong with me. But again, they were just mumbling, rumbling.. it's only this friend of mine who came to me, heard me out or rather urged me to tspeak to him and made me smile for the day.. and the most astonishing part of it was, i wasnt even surpriused, coz i knew he would come.
There have been so many instances of this sort in my life otherwise. that compel me to think.. What is it about wavelengths? about some people just knowing you in and out without knowing you at all.. I know i mightve written about this topic a couple of times before in my blog under different headings :P but then u can imagine how much this question excites me. Ofcourse i dont want to disssect its answers. If i get them, fine, if i dont, i leave it as a pure question.. pure form of friendship.. and i consider myself lucky that i often meet such people who hit off on the same wavelength as me :) thanks god! May 18 at the back of the crowdSo back to observations. Have you ever felt at times, that your genuine attempts for some things go completely unnoticed? At first you are at the centre stage of things. Your performance gets applauded, you are the one everyone wants, untill your competitor arrives. The focus shifts. you're pushed aside, brushed aside and the crowd rushes to cheer for the new arrival. you're biwildered. What to do? What went wrong? Am I not respected anymore? Who the hell is this new entrant? How can ppl shift loyalties with me? Why am I being ignored? How can this happen to me? Wasnt i popular?
And suddenly, as you look ahead, you find you're standing right at the back of a cheering crowd, facing the new performer. You give your jealous mind some rest and decide to see this performance objectively. YOu realize, there's some magic. Some magic that you've never had. You begin to see why the crowd changed loyalties, you begin to see why the new talent is so popular. You begin to appreciate leaving aside your insecurities and threats. And that's when you smile, and realize, its time to do some rethinking, some revamping. You're not supposed to be a coward, a spoilt sport and turn your back towards the reality. At times it so happens that you have to stand at the back of the crowd and applaud.. as long as you appreciate, as long as you learn, nothing can stop you from getting back there again. :) cheers! May 08 pang of guiltProbably one of the worst guilt pangs that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A promise I made, and broke it on account of laziness and numerous other excuses. I still remember that day, I had accompanied mom to a lonely old age home in Panvel. Reason? My photography project. Somehow, I always felt strongly for the elderly and I wanted to capture their pain on my camera. And so we went. We were greeted humbly with a smile by the inmates and the head. Everywhere we went, the camera, a digital one got the most attention, and posing for pics wasnt a problem at all. The old age home meant for the elderly supportd orphans too. The youngest and the eldest gelled together and seamelessly shared their joys and sorrows.. I wondered where does immaturity go at such times? I was taken along with mom in every room, to meet the inmates. IN each room about 5-6 inmates.. and the pain I experienced when i saw them.. it was the vibe, the pain that was reflected from them. Their faces dint leave a trace of the pain.. but their eyes said it all.. Their eyes wer for us.. and only us .Come talk to us.. their eyes pleaded. While my mom did the courtesy of conversatiosn, I took my photographs.. 'I'll send them across to you all' i promised resolving to do it as soon as i get done with my project. Their faces lightened up when they heard I'd be sending them the pics.. i was glad momentararily they were smiling. Each had a story of their own to tell, as to why they were in the old age home. but they chose to gulp it down in silence, the same way they chose to gulp down all the pain that was inflicted upon them by their own family members..
The project went well, and the pictures are close to my heart.. but I forgot to send them the prints.. I realized it after a long long time.. and since then the guilt has been unbeatable. Everytime it flashes on to my mind, I shiver. NOw i dont even know how many of them will be alive to see these pics.. How many will be pained? relieved? What? it was utterly shameful on my part to be so careless.. it's one thing i cldve done for them.. sheesh.. sheesh..
I got back home that day after the project (rewind)... I saw my granpa and dad fighting.. and i smiled to myself..they're bickering all the time, they cant do without a fight.. and luckily.. they cant do without each other.. those of us who have joint families are lucky. Its a disturbing reality out there. Really disturbing. May 05 IPL the crazeWhen the IPL started, frankly speaking even i dint think id be one of the crazy fans of the teams in the tournament. But now i have to admit i am a self confessed freak of the matches. they are just captiivating to the core. There is no substitute for those dozens of sixes and boundaries hit every match. There is no substitute to see the camaradie between players of different nations gelling together and playing strategically against each other.
Well, i serisouly feel the T20 format is here to stay. No more can i think about bearing watching those 50 over one dayers for a long time. And test matches are surely out of question. I dont see what is wrong with the t20 format tho! i dont understand why the debate over its sustainance. I mean if the normal public appreciates it then so be it. That is the format one should formally adapt to. Everything remains the same and just goes shorter. And serisouly i feel its high time cricket went shorter in duration. It has everything packed into those 3 hrs.. not compromising on anything. what else do you need!! I feel Mumbai Indians are doing a good job despite everyone pitting against them. I think somehow they are going to be a surprise package in this tournament. Similar to what the team INdia was in the T20 tournament. and we went on to win the worldcup remember? Well i hope Mumbai Indian's fate turns the same way. And shaun pollock needs to lead. I have seen the agression and focus on his face. And he has the passion to lead the team forward. Hope these ppl give up the indian obsession and do what is best for the team. Till then i wish Mumbai Indians all the best and hope recovery for their captain May 01 I radiate..I strive to radiate warmth around me, but somehow my experiences turn me into a cold person. That cold, which freezes my flow of emotions, hardens the blood in my heart, numbs the senses and feelings that stimulated my smile. Its not as if I enjoy the coldness. Its not as if I enjoy the silence. Its not as if I enjoy the chill you experience when you talk to me, when you stand next to me. Its not as if hurting you gives me sarcastic pleasure.
I still strive to radiate the warmth around me. I try harder to break thru the thick sheet of ice with the help of the candle of hope that keeps me alive from within. It will take time, but the hate on ice will surely melt.. one day.. the candle of hope will fight with the biting cold experiences of life. The cold winds, hardened feelings, numb brains and frosty voices will all give way to the warm, green, colourful happy autumn of life. Blood will pump energy and love into my heart, emotions will flow once again, unpolluted, uninterrupted, the next time you shiver, you will hold my hands for warmth.. my smile will be your bonfire... one day.. I will make it happen.
April 24 welcome to the real world'Welcome to the real world', thats what my chairman pushpi told me when he saw me getting some work done at 8.30 in the evening. I raised an eyebrow and smiled. I no less expected the word 'work' to mean anything other than slogging. So I wondered why ppl expected me to get surprised. Anyways about 8 months of home-sitting had virtually made me hungry for work, that now whatever work i get, its easier to digest. It's like im getting something I always wanted. oh well, u might think im a maniac if i say i always wanted work. :P but work does a whole lot of good in my life. It helps me be absorbed in doing some activity, keeps my brains away from thinking crap, venturing into personal lives etc. I keep to myself, and I am busy. It helps me interact with ppl and make new friends, something I always look forward to. It gives me new challenges, that always wear the mask of impossibility. It allows me to test my patience in these tasks.. if that's real world, its great!
Ah well, I know fights, trampling, unfair accusitions, crying and laughing are all gonna be packaged into this real world. And atleast for now I t hink I am prepared for it. I tell you waht, low expectations is the key ;) . oh well, low expectations from others, not yourself btw. helps enormously. I am still waiting to see how bad the real world can get. And m planning to be the unique good element innit. Oh wait, apart from work, ive loads to prove to this world full of judges. I havent forgotten that I love to write even if I may not be doing the same in my job. I have loads of dreams that have to be fulfilled. And I h ope my experience in the real world gives me the maturity and sense to fulfill them sensibly :) but as of now m enjoying work. There's lot of talent arnd me and I as usual feel like a fly too small to be noticed. But then I also believe in myself. So lets c.. everything is left upto me. AS i always keep saying, I am my FATE :) April 13 reciprocate!*Announcement: This is a heavy blog of emotional analysis. Those who say it sucks are advised not to read it with the fear of the author being called insane and crack pot.
haha well its not all that bad also. but i dint wanna start on a 'heavy' note with a quote (hey that rhymes! yeyyy :P) ha so coming to the point, like since past 5 years there's been this stupid question that's bothering me. I dunno if it bothers you all too, but with me, it was this 'mysterious' and 'intelligent' question (intelligent coz even I cldnt find an answer to it since last 5 yrs! :P ) that had to had to be answered!! the question: Why does it happen many a times that we care the world for a person and the person doesnt seem to reciprocate proportionally! why? and here are the conditions that made answering the question difficult:
1. Its not as if that person hates you.
2. Its not as if that person is not reciprocating proportionally intentionally
3. It's not as if the person isnt aware of your valueing him/her.
Hmm.. for me to answer the question now was like.. impossible. Then why? So many times it has happened that I have cared for a few people and have gone out of my way to do things for them. There are a few ppl about whom I think day and night. I value their opinions in everything i do.. watever i do has to be told to them, without that my sharing of joy and sorrow is incomplete. There were a few friends whom i used to worship. There were few whom i used to be addicted to. And some without whom I couldnt have grown as a person. Oh please. Dont think i was obsessed with them or possessive about them. No. But I valued them beyond my own imagination. Did things for them out of my convinience only coz i respected them so much. No one forced me to do all what i did. but still i did it. and only for them. to show that i am there for them whenever they need. And yet hardly any of them reciprocated.. hardly any of them remembered.. hardly any of them valued.
I have found a way out by keeping low expectations. It helps and is too cool. but that doesnt stop the question from prickin my mind like a sharp needle every now and then. What happened? Am I that bad? Or well.. complicated! But today I think I have found, if not the answer, the theory that might help sturcture an answer to my question. (oh well.. theory is an exaggeration :P but abhi ke liye that word will do). The answer lies in understanding a simple fact. I may mean the world to you. Doesnt mean that you too mean the world to me. We often overlook this fact. And ive said that earlier too.. ppl live cocooned lives. They have their own set of close friends for whom they may give up their lives. but beyond that the rest dont matter that much. Basic courtesy, humanity, yes. but not reciprocation and building of new set of friends and all that. We fail to understand this. And we hurt ourselves. I am just an insignificant part of very significant lives. that's how it is :)
so then? what do I do? Stop being nice to them? Dont bother abt them? yell t them and make them see what i do? ah well.. i believe none of this shit. So long as my feelings are pure, my intentions are genuine, and my thoughts are clear, I dont need to make myself heard. I will thank them when i feel like thanking, I will remember them when I feel lonely, I will meet them when i feel i need to see them.. Coz ultimately, its one life we live. lets live it the way WE want :D and that includes not curbing our feelings of gratitude towards others due to lack of 'reciprocation'
March 27 magic of friendshipWas just wondering how sixth sense works. And probably here in terms of friendships. It so often happens that you’re lost, sad, super depressed and someone out of the blue has asked you, ‘are you okay?’ and you wonder for a moment! How?? I tried my best to hide it so I guess my face dint show, I tried my best not to sulk so I guess my behaviour dint show. But then HOW? How did my friend come to know?
I’ve been caught up in that question for a number of times. Ok, face to face may be one can make out by the vibes you give out whether you are fine or not. But when it happens online, it’s all the more astonishing! My close friend has this knack. At times, even before I say a hello, he’s asked me, ‘what’s wrong with you? You’re not fine’ and I stare at the screen for a few surprised moments before I can actually reply. How the hell did he know? I guess some people know you just too well or have some super power sixth sense? What is it? While some do have sixth sense, some are awesome observers! I had a really bad phase in personal life during college. And a friend with whom I dint even converse like 2 words a day noticed it. And it’s he who came to my rescue and to whom I could pour my heart out completely unabashed. It was this brief phase of friendship which was so short-lived but yet cent percent pure and genuine.. Some people like these are just fairy-godmothers sent to you from the heaven above! But my point remains.. what is it about friendship? About humans? About feelings that is so transparent even as we try to make it opaque. It scares me at times. Makes me feel I am lagging behind in that department coz I cant make out or pin point depressions of people for nuts! Even if I do, I am really weary of approaching them and talking to them about personal stuff coz I feel in such times you choose your aid very carefully espl when it comes to revealing the reason behind your moods. And I don’t think I’d fit in or deserve that role anyway and to top it all, people tend to get suspicious of you interfering and irritating.
But sigh. When friends do that to me, I feel special. I feel good. I feel there’s a ray of hope where in this noisy crabby world, a lot can still be felt and said without much effort J touchwood. February 22 wrong turns right wayHi god,
Life is so strange na? What you've planned with yourself, it never ever happens! all that ideal career and all that crap. Dream to work in a ideal company.. everything is just so superficial. it is born as a dream and it dies a dream. sometimes i just wonder wouldnt life be so better without dreams. dreams show you one way of going and life takes you the other way. dream tells you take a turn to the right while life makes you take a bloody left turn. There's so much discord between life and dreams. I wonder how people achieve their dreams?
I dunno what have i done. which turn have i taken. where am i going? how am i going to get there. is it right? is it wrong? I believe life is too short to regret. and good enough to make the right choices. And btw, what the hell am i writing out here? complete crap isnt it? sorry god, my dimag doesnt work nnw. really it doesnt. bye
take care
say hello to dada
Drash February 10 dream.there was a day, or perhaps a night,
when i saw it,
it was unbelievable, impossible,
but yet i saw it..
I dared to see things,
which nobody would dare to see,
In it I saw a miraculous,
a completely different me.
but when i tried to get it,
a lot bogged me down,
the possible looked impossible,
even smiles turned upside down..
every road i took to reach it,
took a different turn,
every faliure i had on my way,
was an experience from which i could learn.
As i tried to get up,
I was pushed to sit,
As i tried to step forward,
I was pulled behind a bit,
And still today i dare to see it,
as foolish as it may seem..
coz I cant surrender myself to destiny,
but only to my D-R-E-A-M-S. January 31 To: A friend.There’s a lot, unsaid within me, Every time I try to tell you, You escape it so easily.
When I don’t expect, you make me do, And make me feel so special, I feel like a dream, so wonderful, So happy and so real!
One moment, you understand me, The next moment, you shut, The doors that make me wanna come to you, From the other side are locked.
You will never know how special you are, I amnt a fool to tell, This gap between us will remain filled, With all those things unsaid… January 06 lead IndiaSaw one episode of Lead India. Frankly speaking, it is a completely ameture, weak initiative. but what intrigued me was the idea, the main concept, that of a leader who can lead India to the path of ultimate glory, the path of realization of hidden, suppressed, trapped potentials. Tum chalo, toh Hindustan Chale. This line just freaks me out. At this stage, rather than criticizing the weak point of the programme, pointing out that just by doing one task in 10 hrs, doesnt sustain leadership for an entire nation, i'd like to applaud TIMES for this step. It's something! to get this entire idea into an interactive format on television. I just hoped that instead of making it a kind of game show, they couldve made it a show where we can draw inspiration from these talented, forthcoming leaders and that we all could participate in leading india, a lil more than just mere voting. Coz i dont believe Lead India is about one person leading. it's about One Idea, many people leading the nation. You cant create a leader out of nowhere by mere questions, tasks and votes. A leader has to EMERGE from one of us. And that will happen only if all of us participate in this nation building process.
When we participate, we will falter, we will fail, many of us will back out. That's when a leader will emerge. A person who will take the reigns in his hand. A person who will act as a magnet, an inspiration to pull us back into action when we're down. That's when a true leader will be born. But nevertheless, the idea of Lead India is good and I have nothing but encouragement for it. the first step, is a step. feeble, weak, short, insignificant.. doesnt matter. the step means we've moved ahead. a bit or more, time will tell.
and i hope our generation doesnt leave the task of good change in the hands of a mere few. If you want the change, work for it. Realize that India is your nation. your identity is not confined to passports. it runs in your blood, your culture, your future. How powerfully true. Tum chalo, toh Hindustan Chale.
December 16 gold struckwell its not everyday that one gets a gold medal in life! ;) tho ive always associated it with nerdy all-time toppers, little did i know one day, i myself would be the recipient of that honour. my mom's company, larsen and toubro honoured me with this gold medal for my success in bmm. god! i tell u, it feels good to hold it in your hand. the golden fruit of perseverance and hard work. and i wish granpa cldve seen it bfore he went. he wouldve felt like a proud granpa from the heaven above im sure. such a glory is a rare treat fro anyone. for me, this medal is meant for my family and all those who wanted to c me shine. me shining by itself is no big deal. i mean today the shine, tomrrow the rust.. its all a part of life. but moments like these are the motivators that drive me to positivism.
anyway, atleast i dragged granny to teh award function.. and im so glad she saw me getting this medal. she cldnt stop raving abt it for hrs. she was making a list of number of ppl whom she'd call up and 're-telecast' the whole show. ;P i tell u, granny tv is more exciting than star tv or zee tv. tho this medal dedicated to granpa for making us grandchildren what we are today. a big salute to you and hope ur smiling up there :) December 08 blessings'What will you do when I wont be there around?', he used to ask me, his wrinkled face enlightened with everlasting smile and his eyes overflowing with fondness. I just smiled at him, and ignored the comment all the time. I still remember those days when i used to get horrible mirgrane attacks, and he would quitely come into my room, shut the curtains, shut the door and leave a glass of fresh juice on the table for me to drink. Those days when our bai wouldnt turn up, in the afternoons i would find him washing vessles as quietly as he could, so that in the evening when mom returns from office tired and weary, she doesnt have to burden herself with all the work. And yes, how can i forget all those times when he went to buy vegetables, went to bank to do dad's work, gave him a glass of water whenever he felt tired.
Well, anyone who'd read this would think something else.. i dread what. but the person i am talking about, was my 89 year old grandfather.. a few days back he passed away. He has four sons. yet he stayed with us for around 25 years post dad's marriage. At times i used to think, why only us! i missed private space at home. And that apart, he was the oldest in the family and that invited hoardes of guests at home every single day. At times i used to envy the 'family of 4' life. today, i think that's one thing i regret and feel most ashamed thinking of. Today his loss hurts me like hot iron. Every corner of this house reminds me of him every single moment. And more importantly the fact that ive lost the shelter of an elderly hand above my head. it's scary. He was the most independent senior citizen at the age of 90. WE never gave him a glass of water. but ample of times, he served us food. We never listened to him, but he always heard us without us telling him a word. We ignored him at our convinience, but he remembered us even in all his inconvinient times (including his last 2 days at the hospital)... it's paining to relive memories of that selfless face, that existed in our home for last 25 years, that face that lived for us, with us, thru us... that face we realized, was god-sent. was god.
grandpa never wanted to go in for a minor operation he was advised for. 'at the age of 90? what operation?' he chipped in as his sons debated where to admit him. he was hale n hearty. just a pacemaker in his heart was a bit disfunctioning. baki no diabetes, no bp, no walking stick, infact, dont be shocked if i tell u he climbed 5 floors of our house just recently when the elevator wasnt working. reluctantly he agreed to go in for the operation. we assured him its just a 5 min thing. what did we know he'd never come back. i think he knew it tho. before leaving the house he specifically asked me not to yell at my lil sis and ask dad also to not yell at her.. i laughed it off that time. me and dad said we'd restrain till dada gets back. but dada's so partial to my sis. he never came back. i remember going to meet him at the hospital, his sunken face beneath the oxygen mask scared me to bits. shit! he was at home just a day back laughing and walking! SHIT! i couldnt look into those loving eyes anymore.. he kept telling me 'thank you for coming here. i am fine. dont worry.' shit! i managed a smile and left immediately. i was shaken. he kept asking for me, but i never went thereafter. the next day he passed away.. so sudden.. i still cant believe he's no more.. any moment he'll come into my room and give me eclairs.. any moment he'll come from outside holding bag full of sabzis.. any moment now..
and we thought we were doing a great thing by letting him live with us.. now we realize, it wasnt us, it was HE, who took care of all of us.. miss you a lot granpa.. you are my god. November 20 not worth it am I?'how was your cat?' 'bad' 'like all the sections?' 'yea' 'hmm. then you're not worthy of giving cat. its for ppl with extremely high IQ. your's is low.' my mind fumed with the kind of conclusions jumped at for a stupid exam like cat. it has never mattered much to me as stuff like this makes it matter! what are you doing ha? challenging me? egging me on? first of all, that bloody conclusion is wrong! agreed CAT is difficult, and mother of all exams. but to claim something like 'you're not worthy of it' makes it sound much more a super human than we are. no I amnt on a defensive. just coz my CAT dint go well, i curse it. sour grapes yeah? no. sorry boss. that's not my way of looking at it. yes, its a damn tough exam and ppl who manage to crack it mustve got that steely resilience in them. its no doubt a fruit of hardwork than mere tukka with bright brains. and admittedly im aware my hardwork wasnt even inching near the circumference of circle of hardwork. but i have a few more points to put up.
what is this tussle with the IQ? havent we all agreed that each one is unique in his own way? and if anyone's botehred to hear the saying 'my ICAN is more important than my IQ' the person wouldnt have been blabbering stuff like that. CAT if you bother to sense it, is always trying to put you down. stample upon you and move ahead. mock at you, laugh at you. Ok, OK, it sposed to do that. BUt atleast it could be a bit friendly in its approach? but no, even there it wants to hold its nose high and stay out of reach of non engineering and non IQued students. I was just reading five point someone and they've admitted a very nasty truth (not a truth according to the book, but yea, thats wat usually happens isnt it? ppl who relate to the book can tell u), that the greatest insult you can give an engineering student is that he is from commerce. that statement got my blood boiling. We need the tables to turn now. it's been enough of SCIENCE superiority over commerce and worse ARTS! a line that's severely looked down upon. tch tch. no prospects, no much work, not much to study, ewww! god dammit! ive been a bloody science student in my junior colg. and i can tell you there's no other line full of dead souls than this one. there's a bad stench of selfishness arnd, big egos, problems, rat race, secrets and exclusive tricks that make you feel as if the more you conceal your knowledge from others the more you will gain.
i cant see when, but the tide will turn. i cant predict when, but i can wish for a day when arts and commerce n media are forces for changing the face of our country once more. professions who get their due respect. a day when CAT will miaow to the backgrnd and give a way for the rest to come forward and showcase their brilliance in their fields. knowledge is no more about thorwing attitude and shunning ppl, and making things tough. knowledge now is about sharing,exploring, tapping unseen talents. the sooner IIMs realize it the better. November 14 the last rayWhy isnt 'giving up' so easy? oh.. you might think ive made a typo error. infact its the easiest thing on this planet. giving up jobs for comfort, giving up family for friends, giving up studies for a cool life, giving up values for fashion, and yeah, the ultimate acme, giving up your life to ensure another 100 die with u (suicide bombers). And yet there might be times when giving up will not seem so casual and heartless. this happens when time comes to give up the only thing for which you've given up your world. this happens when your're asked to give up, the thing you have lived for, want to live with, for all your life. the thing may be anything. love, hate, forgiveness, anger, goals, achievements, dreams..
i believe each one of us in this world has a dream. A dream world, a dream goal. Dreams are mostly made up of impossibles. but then wat is impossible today is sure to be possible tomorrow. the point is, will you be the one who will make it possible? or will you give up, move aside, and make way for others and then brood over your luck? look at nothing as impossible, and time will seem infinite for you. i am not saying you will overpower time. TIME will become numb, the same way your body becomes numb after being injected with anesthesia. you will live, and move with time. but not let time bother you about it running faster. you can just see your goal and nothing else will matter now. you are just reaching there, happy and content, but ofcourse, no journey is complete without obstacles just as no movie is complete wihtout a villian. and here lies your ability to stay calm, fight time with patience. it may take a month, two months, two years for this fight to abate.. for time to realize that your willpower is far more than its clock ticking.. your heartbeats are faster than the seconds. you will have to fight with patience. it is a tough fight. coz patience often comes across externally as cowardlyness, laziness, indifference. but you alone know your mind is fighting, its restless and given a chance, it can scream thru the thin air, wither in pain and cry for pity just like everyone else around you does. but it chooses not to create a scene. it wants to test the brutality of god. how much worse can it get from here? you ask yourself. you brace yourself for rejection, taunts, this world full of nosy people who have no better work than comment on your life. you are ready for it. let it get as bad as it can. someday god will release the ropes of frustration and let me move ahead in peace. and that day i will be a far better person, well equipped mentally, to move ahead this path full of uncertainities that ppl fear, but i will cherish them. coz every trouble gives me hope.. every sign of pain gives me the sweet smell of arrival of relief. i can live thru it.. October 31 not on!WHat is it about online chatting that binds us all, gets us hooked online for hours together, chatting with those whom we love, those whom we dont even think of otherwise, those we hate.. just about everyone! strange na. at times you end up keeping in touch with strangers more than ur close friends. And yet all of us know that LOL doesnt mean that the person on other side is laughing, nor does the online 'im listening' stand any guarentee that the person on the other side is actually listening to you. How much credibility does chatting hold? I remember a friend sending me a dozens of lols during our entire conversation, and then when i marofied a stupid pj, she said, guess waht, I am actually laughing. there! that's how credible chatting is. And yet, I am addicted to it. those indifferent 'hey! how are yous' and 'i am fines' to innumberable people might not count individually, but still, they collectively mean i am keeping in touch with them! I have never believed in relationships online. if tehre's a friend, call, dont restrict friendship to chatting. and yet i myself ended up having some of the most important conversations of my life online with some of my friends whome otherwise no one would guess are my close friends, coz i never spoke to them much face to face as online.
I wonder how that works.. but it does. And i realize this today as a i terribly miss one of my closest online friends. i mean i was just telling someone, that MSN messenger looks so soona without him. it just doesnt look the same. he was my sole companion for late nights, when the whole world slept, the two of us chatted madness! sometimes shared our problems, other times laughed at other's problems, life, cricket matches and so much more! and never even once did we call up each other. i dunno, somehow we were comfortable with our online friendship.. and that too there were no restrictions, rules nothing. not that we chatted daily, mustve been just once in 2-3 days.. but still, there was a tacit understanding, there was the care, and even trust, the basis of our friendship. And dunno how, its strange but i really miss him today and he's just left today! i was sulking. coz he was such a source of comfort. i mean ok, we never meet, nor hang outm nor do we even call.. but so waht! there was this psychological relief that he's in mumbai na! now he isnt :( and i never thought online relationships, friendships would ever matter to me so much! |
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